If I Had a Sports Team

If you started a sports team, what would the colors and mascot be?

To continue the song reference I begin alluding to in the title: If I had a sports team, I’d—actually I don’t know what I’d do. All bets would be off. It might be a sign of the apocalypse.

I did follow the York Pirates, a farm team, when I was a kid. And I went to high school football and basketball games as a loyal supporter. But since then I have pretty much ignored sports.

My cousin took me to a Phillies and a Flyers game in Philadelphia when he visited me there. I actually got swept up in the excitement of the hockey game—and then sat back down and thought, whoa, what’s happening here? I saw the rousing effect on people’s emotions.

My funny story about this emotional reaction (that Plato warned us about) was the day I walked into a classroom as the students all stared morosely and downcast at their desks. I asked what was wrong. “Steelers lost.” Oh, to stake your mental health and well-being on the backs of professional athletes!

Of course the thrust of my professional life has been theatre and performance, and I’ve always wanted to stir people’s emotions the way sports do. But it seems that, unless you do a musical, it’s not going to happen. More’s the pity.

So, to return to the prompt as a thought exercise (and not even as a remote possibility) I would say Blue and Gold and a Chimpanzee. The mascot could get away with all kinds of manic behavior, being a chimp, and that seems to fit the bill for those sorts of mythical creatures.

And I already have some blue and gold in my wardrobe, as a graduate of Berkeley and a professor at Pitt. Which reminds me—I was in my regalia one day in Charleston, WV for a commencement ceremony when I walked past a student. He said, “Blue and yellow, WVU!” meaning the colors of West Virginia University. “No,” I said, chiding him. “Blue and gold for Berkeley.” Yellow? Please! Get out the bigger box of crayons that has more choices.

And that’s what I have to say about sports. So many people get trapped into watching and never doing. They shackle (yes, I know, that’s from my perspective) themselves in front of a screen to watch overpaid people entertain them. I’m also amazed when artists say they love sports; aren’t the arts and sports two different things?

I’d rather more of us get out there and do it. I still want to play pickleball. Hey: maybe I can start a pickleball team! Is that a thing? And where can I get a pickle mascot costume?