It intrigues me that events which occur to us when we’re young can affect us for the rest of our lives. I guess Freud made a pretty good living with this theory. And it is a recurring theme in my memoir, Immaculate Misconceptions: Tales of Catholic School.
This idea also forms the basis for my friend John Paul Ritchey’s narrative, “The River,” about childhood trauma and the resultant PTSD.
In Catholic school I was bullied and, in spite of all my later accomplishments, I never quite got over it. When, in my recent faculty position, a colleague would exhibit bullying behavior, I would snap back to those moments in grade school, and be unable to respond or counter in a useful way. I’d freeze and not know how to react appropriately.
This is why I say I have a 10 year old boy inside me, and he tends to appear at the most inopportune moments. Self doubt swirls around me as if someone set off a glitter gun of insecurity. Suddenly, if only for a few moments, I am ruled by a boy who doesn’t have the experience I have.
But I’m working on it. Meanwhile, take a look at the poem I wrote about it (below) or, if you prefer to listen, here’s a video of the performance piece with backing musical track. Please note the disclaimer that I am not a vocalist; my “singing” may be painful to listen to.
“Inside (The 10 Year Old Boy)”
Who’s that 10 year old boy So deep inside of me? Behind the prickly barb wire Of insecurity Most days he can’t be seen Plays well at hide and seek But when you least expect him to He jumps out for a peek Moody rollercoaster He’s screaming either way You never know how he’ll react What dark thoughts he’ll convey I try to protect him And keep him locked away I’m living with the daily threat He’ll sneak out another day CHORUS That scared ten year old boy Staring back at me (from the mirror) Leaning in to see (him coming nearer) Squinting I look to see him clearer And I see that boy Was and still is me. I’m now in middle age Respected by my peers So many admire my wisdom My collection of years One doubt and it all cracks Façade: it starts to break His tantrum wrecks my certainty He sets my heart to ache CHORUS Standing all tall and proud So steady, no mistakes You’d never know the fear within Below the surface quakes Who’s that 10 year old boy So deep inside of me? He cries himself to sleep in fear Of mediocrity CHORUS That scared ten year old boy Staring back at me (from the mirror) Leaning in to see (him coming nearer) Squinting I look to see him clearer And I see that boy Was…was and still is me.Who’s that 10 year old boySo deep inside of me?Behind the prickly barb wireOf insecurity
Who’s that 10 year old boy
So deep inside of me?
Behind the prickly barb wire
Of insecurity
Most days he can’t be seen
Plays well at hide and seek
But when you least expect him to
He jumps out for a peek
Moody rollercoaster
He’s screaming either way
You never know how he’ll react
What dark thoughts he’ll convey
I try to protect him
And keep him locked away
I’m living with the daily threat
He’ll sneak out another day
CHORUS
That scared ten year old boy
Staring back at me (from the mirror)
Leaning in to see (him coming nearer)
Squinting I look to see him clearer
And I see that boy
Was and still is me.
I’m now in middle age
Respected by my peers
So many admire my wisdom
My collection of years
One doubt and it all cracks
Façade: it starts to break
His tantrum wrecks my certainty
He sets my heart to ache
CHORUS
Standing all tall and proud
So steady, no mistakes
You’d never know the fear within
Below the surface quakes
Who’s that 10 year old boy
So deep inside of me?
He cries himself to sleep in fear
Of mediocrity
CHORUS
That scared ten year old boy
Staring back at me (from the mirror)
Leaning in to see (him coming nearer)
Squinting I look to see him clearer
And I see that boy
Was…was and still is me.
MUSOFYR 