The title of this post is a line from a Christmas carol. It’s also a suggestive line from Madonna’s “Like A Prayer.” But, foremost in my mind, it’s an imperative from Catholic grade school—and it found its way into the repertoire for nun methods of torture.
Incidentally, one of our nuns in grade school used a clicker—and when I went to buy one for a performance of Immaculate Misconceptions, I found it in the pet store bin marked “Dog Training Clickers.” That summed it up nicely. In that grade, when we walked into church and we’d hear the clicker: we’d stop. Clickclick; genuflect down. Clickclick: stand up. Clickclick: start moving into the pews and kneel down to pray. Clickclick: sit back.
At least we never salivated during this process.
The nuns had devised some interesting methods of torture over the years. My mother told me that one kid in her class was found chewing gum (certainly low on the Dante’s Inferno scale of sins, but still an infraction), and had to wear the gum on her nose for the rest of the day.
In my class, students were often sent into the cloak room for a time—I guess it was intended to be like solitary confinement in prison. A few years back, someone organized a grade school reunion in our old school, and as we toured the classrooms, people told stories. One woman talked about how one day she desperately needed to go to the bathroom and the nun wouldn’t let her; it wasn’t time yet and she had to hold it. As the girl became more agitated, Sister sent her to the cloakroom—where, I gathered, she was unable to hold it and thus experienced explosive diarrhea.
I think my “favorite” nun torture involved a student coming to the front of the classroom, kneeling down, and stretching their arms out on either side. This was to simulate the pain of Christ on the cross. Fortunately, no nails were involved, but if you try this, it does get uncomfortable pretty quickly. I’m sure that, along with the pain and strain, nuns figured kneeling there like that would be humiliating—but we felt sorry for the poor kid who had to endure that, no matter what he did. (And I say he because I don’t recall any of the girls being treated to this punishment.)
I never experienced any of these sort of things firsthand because I was a good Catholic boy who followed all the rules. The doubt didn’t set in until high school and then, after that, well, that was the end of faith and belief for awhile.
MUSOFYR 