The Best Relationship Advice Ever

If you want really good relationship advice, don’t look to self-help books or see a therapist. Answer one of those “wrong number” texts and play along.

Or maybe you haven’t gotten any of those texts. I get them frequently, and once had three in one hour. The unnamed sender pings you with something like, “Ariana, it’s Jane. Are you still going to the gym this afternoon?”

In the build-your-own adventure category you can either ignore it or decide to have some fun. I like to try to lure them in and pretend I care. “You have the wrong number,” I reply.

They are of course terribly apologetic and hope they didn’t disturb me. When I say no, I am complimented/flattered as a kind person. Even though it was a wrong number, could we still be friends? Especially on WhatsApp or Telegram? (Easy, since they already have my phone number from texting me.)

Some are into it for the long con, sending photos of their lunches and dinners (oddly enough, always Chinese food!) while others decide very quickly that I would make an ideal life partner. And that’s when they become founts of knowledge about good relationships. They might ask, what makes for a lasting relationship, and while my replies are brief, they go on at length. The following paragraphs are quotations recently received from one of these.

“There are many qualities that make relationships good support, compromise, and open and honest communication is just a few of these qualities that you may desire in a relationship. Engage only in relationships where both partners can openly discuss their wants and needs, this can take practice. Remember loving relationships grow and only become better, eliminate those who do not meet your needs when they continually fail to support you, will not compromise, and will not be honest. These three qualities alone will help you nurture and develop a deeper relationship with your partner.”

“Relationships have some adjustment periods, but being hurt shouldn’t be part of being in love. Loving relationships have good qualities, such as support from your partner, a willingness to communicate, a desire to compromise, and open an honest communication. When you do not have these fundamental qualities in a relationship, that relationship isn’t likely to grow, and become something that you desire.”

“Happiness is the only thing on earth that cannot be paid by any diamonds, gold or money. Money and love aren’t the same thing. The more you spend money, the less you have, the more you spend love, the more you get in return. Love doesn’t cost money, but it does require the payment of your heart. A man can inherit a house and money from his parents, but only the Lord can give him a sensible wife. Love is when money and materialistic things no longer matter. It’s when you’re holding the hand of the woman you love and you feel like the richest man in the world – you have everything. With money, we can buy all things, but with love, we find everything that really matters. It isn’t money, fame, or power, no, the greatest adventure in life is love. Power is one thing; money and power are two things, but love is everything.”

Great advice, though not the best punctuation. But still—I want to run these through a plagiarism checker, and if they turn up clean (though what is the likelihood of that?) compile them and self-publish them as helpful relationship advice for the 21st century. I might sell a hefty number of copies…